HA dunno what to do anymore

i can’t really understand myself.. zzz how can i keep getting stress whenever i’m thinking of model-making aarrrggghhh and on top of it, it isn’t any normal stress ypu could get from exceeding homework or whatever. it’s the kind of stress u get from everything zzz... to put it simple yet exaggerate abit, it is kind of chronic severe kind of stress in addition of mass amount of deppresion, loneliness and GaLaUness. haaahhh.. what should i do to overcome this feeling. Is changing my major, excaping from architecture hell, will do? hufftt i need a lot of meditation. maybe i will do it everytime on my winter break. it’s gonna be a hark winter break. yeah.. even i have class and no holiday in christmas. -_-.. i really want to get away from this major but i don’t know where should i change into. .___.
anyway i still have 4 model to finish and i spent my whole day in Galau-ing and manahe to do 0 progress. arrrgghh whatever... all i need to do is just survive until next year right? if just doing things is more easy than talking. =="

-some text is missing-

:(((.. when i looked back at my previous few posts, it seemed so chaotic
, i wrote it in a black off condition. if you ever asked me how is my condition now, nope.. i’m still very depressed.. or even worse yeaahh... to make it worsen.. i can’t find the wood material for my model. yes i do find the shop but it is closed on weekend, lucky me, and i need to throw the model into the teacher’s face on sunday. zzzz i get really down, sitting alone like crazy, mumbling nonsense, my face is even scarier than hulk, paler than vampire, and all my work left undone. if you put it in three words "i give up". you know, i just can continue all of this "things" any more (at least for this weeks) i don’t even try to imagine the next few weeks until final presentation it is just too hard for me, it’s cool i managed all of this until this week, i kept struggling, going up and down, tried everything by MYself, and passed all of the hell-ist weeks. but for this case, it is just too much for me, i can’t find the right material, i never had history in carpentering, i don’t know how to make my model to stand firm, since it is 2,2 meter high and according to my ability which i know the best, i can’t do it. i need someone who can stay by myside, no no no.. literally someone who can help me doing all of this things or maybe encourage me. not to give up, etc. it is really essential as of me right now. it will mean a whole world. the only solution i can come up with is just skipping the tuesday class by faking a sick. huff, but still it is an important class so i still need to submit it later. but it is better, although all of my works now has been abandoned, nothing has been progressing since the day before yesterday. i don’t have any thought and mood to do that right now. all i want is to let go all of this things, but my bad, due to my personality i can abandoned my homework but keep thinking in regret every seconds in my mind. so i cant really leave it.. shit.. my nature is so something. and i am also the type that is putting alot of thought into something, so there is no days for me to calm as long as i still have homework. especially the model making, i’m hating it. just why from so many place in the world must taiwan be a country that specially divided the high school into a specific-taught highschool. i mean they focusing on one major in preparation for the college. hmmm._. so the university claimed that all of the student already know the basic and they didn’t start from the basic anymore.. hufft -_- even my friend that is majoring architecture in a well-known university in the state wasn’t as hard as this. they haven’t dealt with all this model making stuff. all they had is learning the architecture basic and theory. that’s all. pretty damn nice right. they dealt with model making in second year, when you’ve already adapting to the environment and making a hell of friends. and the most crucial one, you are in the same level with your classmate. in my cases it is so so so unbalanced and unfair. we had alot of difference by skill technique and experience, so that what makes me inferior. ;( it is so sadd.. do you understand my situation?? maybe not.. except you have ever experienced it by yourself. even i’m confused by my own confussion. since it is this hard, just why i kept wanting my roomate to understand my situation. yeah.. we are all indonesian but they three are in the same major. ckckck... their major is just so nice that make me envy everytime i looked at them. yeahh they did know i’m stress. but all they know is just i have a hell of homework and lack of sleep. they dont know the hardship i have encounter all from the first day of my achitecture class. and the one that make my blood forcefully pumped to my brain is their saying i’m so happy for not having any exam, you just need to do some physical endurance, not having to use your brain so hard unlike us. grrrrrrr!! helloooo.... who says architect dont need to think?! who says it is easy?!! who says we don’t need to use our brain a lot??!! we do need to think alot ! it is not easy ! ==" even it is far harder than your major ! -_- iam not saying this merely based on emotional thinking, yeah! i do get irritated by you guys, but iam saying this since my high school is not just an ordinary high school (or i just bragging it) but it is far better than your high school. so i can clearly say that your first year is still easy, it is just reminding you of your high school lessons! andd architecture give me stress far alot than i got back when iam having exam in high school. it is far far far harder. you need to press your brain even harder than while you are studying for your final ! keep that in mind ! just don’t annoyed me with that crap anymore. i am getting all sensitive since i lack of sleep and in foul mood every day! so please don’t mess up with me ! ==". No Offense !!
i know architecture is hard, and adding my nature into it, it’s getting far harder zzzzz... i always thinking of changing my major but it is hasn’t been in a goog thought. i don’t have time to clearly think about it. surviving is the most important part now. i don’t think i can survive my first year like this zzz i need to change! maybe some meditation during winter break zzz... my senior from last year was also given up in architecture. yeah mostly got the same problem! and we are both male! so maybe this can be called "male’s problem" hah?! i have one other senior that is surviving in the third year, iam quite admiring her, because she can survive until this far. but the observation so far is maybe she is a GIRL! i thinks that hit right in the place. because people tend to pay more attention to a girl, especially if you have quite a beauty and it will drive you into having alot of friends. and having alot of friends mean having a lot of motivation! maybe that’s what making her so strong. huh... but yeah.. i will keep going for it for a while and give a better thought. i really want to not thinking too much since it will just a waste of time and can drive you crazy. anyway good luck for everybody out there. may you can solve your own problem in a good ways hahahaa

T.T

t.t huaaaaa... there’s no calm week.. i’m turning crazy hikzz.. it is so shitty shitty shit ! yeah i need to do a full scale model yang kagak jelas . about 2.2 meter high so crazy aihhh aihhhh and i dont know where to buy the material.. i must use wood! i dont have friend and when i went to studio most of them have buy it! i’m in MRT right now wandering the city with no destination. i felt -some text is missing-

MY WORST TIME IN LIFE

oh god... help me please!! iam really stuck now... arrrggggghhhhhhhhhh....... getting all depresed every day is so so so hardd... i don’t know what to d with my architecture school.. it’s just too hard for mee.. huaaaaa nooooo!!!! i’m going crazyyy.... s*it! i don’t know where to star because i have never said it in my blog. i don’t know what to to with my super cracy hellist homework!! it is just too hard for me.. imagined getting all stress about hwork every day, hust how hard it is for me to being all like this. *i really feel like to slam everything beside me right now! i always thinking of give up and let go of this architecture! but... nomatter how i can’t find the give up option. i hope i can just find it in the toolbar and click it! as you know i"m the most stupid student in the class in term of architecture. all of my class mates already 3  years ahead of me since theor high school is all focusing on architecture lesson. and me?! all i know is just the perspective shit and other so not important things that i learnt from the so called art class back in my high school. and here i am. sitting like an idiot in a class. don’t understand what they are talking about. not only because i"m fallen back 3 years from them, but also my chinese is so bad! arrgghhh... i still remember the first architecture class.. i brings me alot of trauma. t.t we need to draw 42 drawings and making 3 models for next week.. and without the teaching of the teacher.. i was just like "shitt.. what am i going to do! i even don’t now what a model is! grrrr.... i spent my day like i was living in hell for a week. and we also need to present our design in front of the class everything you did! it"s so shityy!! regardless of my bad chinese, i need to present my "only know about 1 week" model, yeah it’s so so ugly! and all of my friends’ is like god-made! == i’m so down on the place and until now i’m not making any significant progress and need to face all of this pressure every week. fyi i dont have friend here, so all i do wall doing everything alone, trying to understand what is right and wrong and improving slowly by making my routine mistakes! i don’t know how to say! the pressure is just too greatt!! it’s like you need to pose nude.in front of the class every week. haiihhhh... i just cant imagine this all will he this hard. at first i think that i will like architecture so much, because i like drawing and now! because of all this shtiiy things and the hell amount of home work that make me need to do homework over time, i began hating drawing! give me back my free time!!! arrrggghhhhh... i’m so confusedd lonely mad angry at the same time. T.T i wanna cry but i can’t.. mamaaaaa!!!! huaaaaaa what should i doooo now! i don’t even understand the topic for next week.. i really don’t understand it this time.. huhuhuu... i really want to skip the class.. because it will just embarassed my self by showing there with my strrange design...ahhhhh.... why it turn out like thisss... what should i do nowww..... SHITTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!##### even just one good friend can make me betterr... i’m like surviving in the middle of alien.. i cant stand it!!! it’s like i’m the most struggling one in the class.. every body is just like happy go well every day.. and i was like bringing my dark cloud every where i go..actually i don’t really hope fpr a friend because i think ot os just too much, but at least people can pay attention to me and help me. they just dont know how hard i feel because they are still in their cage. they have never experience how it feels to go out of your cage and go into others cage. .____.
I AM SO LONELY!!

Back to december

wuahh... my favourite month of the year finally come. December... why do i like it so much? yeah, since i was small i really like christmas, so everytime december arrived, the touch of christmas always comes to me haha.. i don’t know why but i feel that christmas could bring a warm feeling to me. that’s why i like it. i love the atmosphere so much. and this time is my first christmas outside indonesia. in here i could feel the deeper feeling of christmas, maybe because of winter hahaha although i would love if it will snow. these past few months were really hard for me. because i’m still in the state of adaptation. since i’m still not feel like i’m one of them. i felt really small here, like a tiniest drop of water that people would not bother to care. yes indeed i’m so lonely! although my roomies is also indonesian but... but... there were so many reason that made me in this state. right now i’m stuck in a position which i can’t do much about it. all i can’t think right now is just surviving while finding a possible way for me to enjoy all of this things. all i can do is improving and narrowing all the existing gap between me and classmate . so i hope, in this lovely month, as well as the last month that will bring this year to an ending, i can fill it with a happy memory, no more sad and lonely feeling. so that i could make the best december as weel as winter for me :) gogogogo...
never give up fedrik!
you can do it!
although it’s hard but you must able to do it.
remember.. you whom write this post right now is the one that just overcome the obstacle of the day.
so you can do it!
the storm will pass and sunshine will shine brightly again.. so keep you head up! face your world! enjoy it! cheer up!