Nothing

D as in depression, initial D? like a boss huh?

Okay hi.. How do u guys do this past few weeks?? marvelous? devastating? feeling a sudden waves of great and almighty feelings? or getting the blows of depression and sentimental out from nowhere? well exactly, this is what messing with me all this time, making me like a fool, just a fool. I imagine myself sitting on a roller coaster,  concede all of myself to it, adhere to the tides of the vehicle, let myself stupidly following the play, and ended up myself in a confusing state, where my mind reached the point where i'm too tired to follow the tides, suffered from the sickening rides, but could do nothing about it. just imagine you, have been riding it so many times you couldn't even remember, locked up tight with the broken seat belt and yet u still have to submit urself to the endless rides, ur mind can't catch up anymore, and eventually you ended like a stupid empty shell, gazing straight to the air, thinking something when you don't even have the so-called brain to use for. yeah.. something like that, i feel that i'm suffering from depression, so i am turning from an idiot into nuts huh?? well, i like nuts somehow,,

I am not feeling like myself, i can suddenly feel so happy and turning sad a second later, i find myself spacing out more often. i prefer to stay alone and not feel like to interact with "human", but i got severe loneliness with me. i want to kill and crush every skull of them i meet on street, i'm losing my appetite at decent meals time, and eat hell lot of things when i feel like it. i've been losing my sleep at night, and sleep like dead at day. sometimes i sleep less than 5 hours and sometimes more than 12 hours. i keep thinking of how useless i am as a human, but find myself admiring how great i am in ruining my life. i'm a pro, now i am sucked up, yeah pretty much fucked up. 

Believe yourself!

one year, i recalled, the amount of time have i spent in the darkness. i lost myself in thoughts, trying to bear it all on my own, created a barrier to separate myself from the society. i used to think i can do it alright, i can bear it, i can take it on my own. and before i know it, i put myself in the disadvantages. i manipulated my mind and lied to myself. a year, indeed, i have lived my life in it. but now, i can't bear it no more, i can't take it anymore. I've had enough. i fed up with all this architecture things. i am sick of being the class's idiot, i don't want to take any strange gaze every time i don't know what to answer. i hate it every time i lost myself in wondering where did all of this stupid things come from. i hate being the useless one in the class. i hate it when no body want to approach you since you're not useful. This thought had been stirring up in my mind for the whole semester. which the climax was last week. this made me so depressed and really want to escape from everything. i talked to a lot of my friends, listening to their opinion, but still, no motivation seems to enter my mind. Nothing can make me to stay anymore. i can't imagine myself sitting between them enduring the stress anymore. I DON"T WANT IT ANYMORE!!! i... i'm.. afraid. i don't have the courage to show up, with my stupid design anymore. and i realize i never really like what i do for the whole year, but refuse to accept it. but now, i understand. it's not just the matter of surviving. so finally, i come up with this solution, after talking to my family, i cried a lot (excuse me okay), and they support me for every step i took. they also let me to drop my architecture and change my major. So, now the only thing i need to do is to believe in myself. No regret is allowed. and think properly for my destination. One year of hardship and experience should be use properly.

Okay.. Believe and live your life...

.....

So many thoughts had been going through my mind
i have been so restless for the last two weeks
nothing's good was going on with me
i don't know what to do
i feel so helpless
i am so tired
i feel so pathetic
i feel stupid
i am so broken
i don't even know which way should i choose
i am on the confusing crossroad
without any proper guidance
i am stuck
with no solution
i want to cry
but i couldn't
i am so tired
but i can't fall a sleep
there's no where for me to talk
really want to talk to my sis but the situation is not supporting
to my brother? there's no helping
my family? i wouldn't want to see what's coming
friend? let's just skip that part.
let's just call it a day.
nothing more to share

Formosa, ajari aku hapus air mata

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sudah berkisar satu setengah tahun semenjak aku pertama kali menginjakan kaki ku di negara ini, negara indah yang terkenal dengan sebutan formosa. Sebuah pulau kecil yang terletak di sebelah tenggara china. Sebuah komunitas yang "konon" terkenal akan kebaikan dan kehangatannya.Tempat dimana kita, para pejuang-pejuang mimpi menetapkannya sebagai titik awal dan mulai beranjak mengejar mimpi-mimpi kita. Namun, sebagaimana pun gue berusaha, seberusaha apapun gue untuk mentolerir, membohongi diriku dengan segala cara agar tetap kuat, mengalah akan segala hal, sesulit"nya gue mencoba untuk tidak egois, segigih apapun gue berusaha untuk mencari, mencari, dan mencari, Gue, masih tidak dapat menemukan alasan untuk mencintai negara ini. Rasanya sulit bagiku untuk menyukai negara ini, bukan karena alasan negara ini tidak cukup indah maupun tidak cukup megah. Jujur, bagiku negara ini sudah memenuhi ekspektasi ku untuk dikatakan indah. Tetapi, tak tahu mengapa, aku merasa hampa ketika berada disini, ribuan orang berlalu lalang, suara keramaian menghidupi kota, cahaya cahaya indah yang berasal dari ribuan gedung" yang berjejer memenuhi seisi kota, tak cukup bagiku untuk mengisi kekosongan diri. Rasanya, diriku sudah terkunci rapat" untuk menerimanya. Memang, banyak perubahan berarti yang telah terjadi pada diri ku selama setahun ini. Aku belajar untuk menjadi pribadi yang lebih kuat dan mandiri. Aku mengenal bagaimana rasanya tersakiti. merasakan bagaimana perasaan ketika telah di angkat tinggi tinggi, kemudian dijatuhkan. Aku belajar untuk lebih terbuka, memiliki pandangan yang lebih lebar, dan mengerti antara yang baik dan buruk. Memang semua itu tidak gratis, ada harga harus dibayar akan smua ini. Jadi Formosa, dari ku yang sudah belajar banyak dari dirimu, aku berterima kasih padamu akan semua pengalaman berharga ini. walaupun memang menyakitkan, tapi aku berhasil belajar banyak hal akan kehidupan. 

"Hidup itu memang penuh perjuangan, dan perjuangan itu butuh pengorbanan, dimana dalam pengorbanan itu dibutuhkan ketabahan"

GOOD LUCK :D

------------------------------------------------10/10/2015(1:07AM)------------------------------------------------

I GOT BUSTED!!!

People says you'll get fired for doing mistake three times during your internship, and for the first time in forever, I was very relieved that I am NOT an intern right now. or else i'd need to bid a farewell towards my current part-time job. Yeah, I am a part-timer right now, believe it or not, and during my first month of work I have did three big mistakes. This explains everything why i'm glad for not being an intern. LOL


Just now, I just filled my third slot of the "SIN's CARD". oh my god! I finally got the idea of "how being caught as a burglar" was. and this is how everything started///////


I was in the shift for closing the shop today, and after getting ready to close, I started  to check and recheck again, whether there's still something left-out. yah mungkin karena pikiran yang berlebihan, ditambah dengan beban yang terus menerus menghantui untuk tidak berbuat kesalahan, guenya yang malah makin mencari gara". everything is fine until I was standing by the bus stop, waiting for the bus that has yet to come. In that moment, my mind started to move again, checking and checking again, finding the mistake that wasn't exist. As the result, I started to create a mist in my memory and blurred everything. my mind told me that I haven't locked the second layer door. and thanks to the shitty bus that still not coming. I decided to go back to the shop.




Arrived there, I saw the annoying " ai ai " who runs the food stall behind the shop. more over because they just blame me for broking their dining table because I am unknowingly closing the gate from inside. detailnya, gue yang berada didalam toko, supaya merasa lebih aman buat memasukan seluruh uang kedalam brankas, gue duluan menurunkan gerbang besi dengan remote jarak jauh. how am I supposed to know that you put your table under the gate right. ckckck... I have done the same act multiple times before, and everything is just fine as they were. so it's your very own fault for putting your table over our boundary. Haiya..


because of that, i quickly turn on the remote, and pull-up the gate. and this where everything happens, the security alarm suddenly buzzed shrilly, and all the red lights flickered vigorously, like the ball-lamp in the disco. AS IF.
I dizzied for a while, and frantically manage to get a better grasp of my keys. I remember the keys keep jumping and sliding on my palms like a geyser in Yellowstone. immediately, I place the round
-shaped key on the sensor. in flash everything went silent, like a dead city, as if nothing crazy just storm that area. This didn't last long, in seconds, another crazy sound broke the silence. I believe it comes from the shop's telephone. I ignore all the eyes behind my back and rush to the source. I saw "Bao Quan" words filling the telephone screen "which mean Security". quickly i press the answer key and put it between my ear, which still adapting from all the crazy sound. "im so sorry, i pressed the wrong button", that was the very first word that come out from my mouth as soon as i answer the phone. the conversation go on in Chinese, which i don't feel like to write out. the security insisted my data and ask for my branch manager name. hopefully i knew my branch manager new name, since she just changed it into a new one. i blurted out the word in havoc. and the conversation ended with me saying another sorry to them. gratefully, everything went smoothly. I felt like someone who has just being lifted from all the charge. i could felt into my knees anytime, when i remember my only reason to be back here in the first place. and you see, everything has been locked safely!! and i was back here for no reason, instead making another trouble. haiyaa.. on my way home, after checking for the million times, i felt the vibration from my phone, and found a line notification from my branch manager. i explained shortly to her. iam sure i will get the full version of her lecture when i go to work. Oh no... whyyy.. i am so embarrassed. they must be playing the cctv tomorrow and look at how i did yesterday. ._. arrgghh!!.. mistake,,, mistake, and mistake... i hate that. but this kind of experience is really hard to get.. i kind of fun though.. and now the only thought going through my mind is how am i going to show up in front of her, and where should i put my face when i do so.. HAHAHAHA


So the message of this story is never forget to deactivate the security sensor before opening the gate, nor activate the sensor after you have close it. cckck
i shouldn't have to worry about the safety of the store, where they themselves have this strict security in the first place.. But yeah,, thumbs up for the speed of the security in managing the trouble.. this what differ Taiwan from Indonesia hahahaha...

Summer's Vent

Hollaa~... I am back again~ ketemu lagi dengan saya, alien, dari daerah tak terdefenisi, melaporkan..

Gue sudah menghabiskan 1/4 dari liburan musim panas gue. yang mana terisi dengan rutinitas ala ala orang kantoran. Bangun pagi----kerja----tidur. Beginilah tipikal liburan gue sampai detik ini.

Actually, I've got a real long lists of plans of "what should I do" during my summer break, far before when I am still struggling finishing my first year. that time, I really have the beautiful images of my summer breaks. "you know I am really good at this field". BUT everything is ruined as soon as I heard about my summer break homework(s). The only reason I looked toward this summer break so bad was because the fact of which I could escape from my archi-torture routines for a while, and of course I was fed-up of my classmates. But... but.. why... why should this happen to me.. huee.. kenapaa gue masih musti mendapatkan pekerjaan rumah bahkan disaat liburan, yang mana jumlahnya yg tak karuan.. at first, I am started to accept this, but as my summer break loading~ I become more and more aware of how precious, how sparse, this summer break is. I really should fill this summer holiday with the activity I wanted to do. but unfortunately, it is hard to accomplished. I have been bond by the archi-torture. ckckck... oh god... how great my will to quit this major instantly. only if I could .___.

Semakin dipikirin, semakin ga terima. gue itu macem ditakdirkan buat sendiri gitu rasanya. rasanya itu gue semakin jauh dan dijauhkan dari kehidupan social. it can't be help, gue rasanya ga cocok banget ma temen kelas" gue. rasanya gue macem terasingkan dari komunitas. dan hebatnya gini gini gue berhasil melewatkan satu tahun disana. dimana tiap hari dikelas hanya sendiri. yang tiap saat terlintas dipikiran hanyalah pulang pulang dan pulang...
ga tahan rasanya berlama lama disana, sambilan melihat temen" kelas u yang akrab satu sama lain, kecuali u. Sehebat apapun elu, bakalan kagak betah. Gue mendingan ngehabisin waktu gue sendiri, dibanding musti ngehabisan waktu di keramaian orang yang ga guna buat loe. dan beginilah hari hari gue selama setahun disini. anyways, as long as I still get the knowledge and skill from the teacher. who cares.. I am only need to pull through another 3 years. it is just a short time, and I am sure I am gonna make it. I don't have any reason to lose from them. I am better than them and that's the point.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


next, junior" yang ikut terdampar ke tempat ini juga akan segera menyusuli kita kita yang sudah terlanjur terdampar. i don't know whether should i congratulate them or pity them..iam sure some of them will regret of coming here.. if i have a choice. i will choose western country instead of Asian.. i think i am more suitable with western lifestyle. Maybe in my previous life, i was a western?? but really, i love western far better than Asian. ckckck..
I hope that I will get junior in architecture, ofc from medan! I don't want juniors from other area.. I mean it!! but when I chatted with one of the candidates, he said that my school don't have any blank seat for them to enter.. SHIT!! I hope this is not fvking real!! i hope the seat will be available for them. I Do need FRIENDS!!! WOAWOAOWAOWAO.. Just don't tell me I won't have any junior this year.. DOOM sudah kalo ga ada.. pasrah aja aku.. melambay lambay saja.. ckckck...

Ohh.. how I miss the old times. when I still got so many friends to play with.. but now.. i have lost them one by one.. am i going to end up alone again?? really... alone?? please don't!! it's really miserable. to be alone in this crowded earth.. . . .. . . . . . . .____.



--------------------------------------------------2015/7/20 (10.32 P.M)--------------------------------------------

Read Read and Read

Question, how will u feel, when you have write a text so long you could puke, and the only response is the read bar that popped out beside the text. Rasanya nyesek banget ga sih, ketika elu uda capek" ngomong  trus responsnya cuma di read doang. Apalagi pas elu lagi butuh banget tempat buat melepaskan kepenatan" hidup, ketika elu lagi butuh seseorang buat elu ngobrol, dan .... *read*
W.T.H. rasanya itu pengen banget nge curse, pengen banget nge-nimpuk itu orang pake popok basi, apa apaan ini orang minta di gapar ato apa. but di lain sisi rasanya menyedihkan banget, so pity, bahwa elu macem ga dianggap, ato text u tuh ga worth banget buat di balas, itu di read pun karena ga sengaja kebuka.

Lets move to other perspective, how does it feel to read only the texts somebody send to you without replying them. Elu mungkin bakalan merasa it okay, 沒差啦, ato mungkin rasanya bahagia sampai melayang", tapi ketika elu berada di situasi tersebut, elu tidak menyadari bahwa disisi lain, orang tersebut sedang menunggu" balasan dari u. Even just haha wkwk is better than *read* although you just pretended to be. At least you show ur care. Fake or not

Itulah yang setiap kali kurasakan. Rasanya mcem gado gado yang ketumpahan ke dalam es campur. Rasanya seperti kebakar, ga tau elu musti padamin api elu, ato let the fire burn within you. Honestly, gue merupakan orang yang lumayan sering banget di read. Setiap kali gue di read selalu berusaha untuk memikirkan yg postif, or just assume apa yg barusan gue ketik itu bacotan yg ga penting banget, so just let it be. But, cant i be selfish for just this time. I just dont like being read, moreover when you write something which u expected so bad for a reply. Yeah just that. You'll understand somehow.

Okay, cerita lainnya, gue sudah mulai menjadi parttimer, gue kerjanya di sejenis toko indo yang beroperasi di taiwan. Yeah, not bad lah.. Iam quite enjoying this job, although the first few days were not really fluent. But beginning always been the hardest part of adaptation, right.
Kerja disini lumyan ribet sih, soalnya elunya musti merangkap menjadi kasir, sekaligus gudang, pengiriman kargo ke indo, pengiriman uang philipin, indo, dan vietnam, bagian alat" elektronik dll. Semua itu bagian lu. Ga da kata, elu bagian ini ini ini, elu ini ini. But all. Awalnya yah pas belajar itu ribet banget soalnya banyak banget yg mesti diingat. Dan yang paling penting itu kasir, pengiriman uang sama kargo. Cause of ur mot carefull enough, elunya sendiri tang bakalan nombok sendiri. Apalagi pas rame, dan elu kewalahan membagi tugas mana yang musti elu kerjakan terlebih dahulu. Persentase kesalahannya meningkat drastis.
I almost lost 12400NTD, which is about 6millions in rupiah, because i did alittle error int he transfering process, even the central HQ can't track, what phase im wrong at. But hopefully, i myself realised my wrong, and changed it quickly. It brought havoc in the entire shop, and ofc a jolt through my body. Ckckck.. I gotta be more carefull next time.
This is the consequency if this job, but you will get alot of useful(?) experiences from here.

I work with other 2 co-workers. One is a parttimer like me, but one year more senior. And the branch manager. We were divided into two shift 8-5 12-8. Since the 12-8 only need one people, and i still can't keep the store alone at night, so i was put into the morning shift as my branch manager. Yah ada keuntungann dan kerugian pastinya bekerja dengan rekan cewek. Apalagi pas shift pagi, jujur sampai sekarang itu gue masih merasa aura" tertekan kalo berduaan sama managernya. Soalnya moodnya itu suka goyang, yah elu taulah cew, rada gaje. Alhasil gue selalu stay quiet sampe dia sndri yg mulai bersuara. Soalnya dia banyak pekerjaan yang musti diseleasaikan sblm toko di buat, so i dont have the gut to bother her. Rasanya macem lagi berhadapan dengan apa gtu. But overall orangnya baik kok.. Cuma agak mengerikan lol..

And to tell u, the presence of male in my working area is really limited, almost none. And you know what, i got a gay customer. I dont realise it at first until my branch manager said that the guy really like me. Omg.. Thanks to that, he never absent for a day, and come to the store. Just for a chit chat or what.  Omg.. Parahnya lagi, orangnya udah lumayan tua.. Zzz am i that popular between gay? Ckck.. Something yah.. Wkwkwkwk

Yah yah yah.. Aside from all of this, my sleeping routines has turned incredible. I wakrme up at 630 and sleep at 11 everyday.. What an healty life huahahahaha..

Happy one year anniversary!!!!

26.. These numbers might be just another ordinary number for most people. But these numbers meant a lot to me, to us, who came to this alien country last year. Indeed, 26 june 2014, the beginning of everything. The new chapter in my life which has brought so much changes to me. From that day begins, everything is a new for me. New country, new life style, new friends, new foods, yeah..

"Awalnya itu gue sangat menanti-nantikan datangnya ini hari. Gue, yang masih bisa dikatakan innocent, yang belum pernah merasakan rasanya keluar negri sendiri, meninggalkan keluarga, dan menjalani kehidupan baru sendiri, dengan tidak sabarnya pengen cepet cepet meninggalkan indo. Rasanya pengen cepet" bebas, pengen merasakan gimana sih rasanya hidup jauh dari orang tua. Gimana sih rasanya hidup di komunitas orang orang yang gaya hidupnya itu sangat berbeda dengan gaya hidup tpt gue tumbuh besar, gimana sih rasanya beradaptasi dengan lingkungan baru dan bersosialisasi dengan bahasa yang baru. Rasanya pasti keren, menabjubkan, bahkan thrilling yet fun".

I used to think that way. I used to think of how easy it will be to do that. I never think that it will be this hard to do. Honestly i do, i have put into my account about how much i need to prepare to face the condition when everything isn't going as expected. But you know, just prepared and imaginate wasn't enough though. You'll never know how hard it will be until you have feel it your own. No matter how good you know bout the situation. It will never be enough. I know that so well.

"jauh-jauh sebelum gue berencana utk melanjutkan studi di sini. Mungkin ketika gue masih duduk di bangku smp. Saya berasumsi bahwa "wah.. Keren yah sekolah ke luar negri.. Keceh bener itu orang wow. Pasti pinter banget"
Iyah ituu.. , saya pikir bahwa hanya pinter aja itu dpaat buat orang dengan mudahnya utk keluar negri dan bertahan hidup disana, i can laugh at how clueless i was, how simple my mind was.  And i wish if only i can still think as simple and clueless as i used to be it will be much easier to handle, right." ohh.. I was way too clueless hahaha..

And as i tried to live my new life, struggle to adapt, to make a new friend, get used to the new environment, one year has passed. Time flies. Its like everything still feel so vivid and clear to me. I can still get the fast images of my life here flipping rapidly. Leaving a brief stop to let me peek inside the frame and get the memories. I can feel them alongside with me.

"The memory from when i parted from my family, the memory of me chasing the plane i almost missed, the memory of the awkward moment i made in plane when it was going to land, the times when i first stepped my feet on taiwan land, the moment we got scolded badly just a second after we checked out by the seniors whom will be taking care of us for the next two months before we entered the university, the moment when i saw my temporarily university, and how i surprised i was when i saw the bedroom, the moment when i met other friends from aceh, pekanbaru, palembang, jakarta, bandung, semarang, malang and surabaya, who will fight together for two months to decide our future university. The times i spent together with them, on the same roof, everyday we meet each other, share the same feeling, going through the days together, whether it was sad or happy. The moment when we all have a blast together, where we shared each other smile happily. When we all have felt like a family. The times when everyone was so sad and crying missing their family, when we all gpt so scared when get scolded by the senior, like they are going to kill us. Although these two months felt like a military dicipline, amd so strict, but thanks to the bond and kinship between us has gotten more and more stronger.
The times when we studied so hard fighting for future, when we all got the exams together.
The happy memories from the field trip we took after the exam.
The time when we got the exam result and the university. I can still remember the happy faces of people that got admitted in their dream univ, those whom result weren't as expected, those whom didn't even get the chance for the university, and those who doesn't even know what they should feel for the moment.
And then the last moment when we finally parted. The images of friends that were disappearing one by one. Everybody, day by day, left our temporarily university and went their new university, included me. And unfortunately some of them will back to indo since there are not getting any uni or get the uni the dont even want.
We were all separated by our own dreams and future, but one thing we know for sure,  for some moments in our life, there exist a beautiful days and moments we have ever shared together. The days when we could the the fire flickered in every person eyes, the courage, the dreams, and the spirits of the teenage.
WE WERE ALL THE AWESOME TEENAGE!!!
Thanks for the carry all!!! It was indeed the best moments i have ever ever feel in my life.. Everr!! Love you guys so much!! You guys rockss!!!!!

And this was the slight story of my superr happy two months. I was happy to get admitted in this univ although it wasnt my first choice but i still like it.. But it wasn't last long. The worst always came after the best. Indeed, as soon as i started my architecture journey, everything changed. oMG, it was so hell here.. I believe you who has follow my story up till now will know bput my story, so i won't ruined my mood now and skipped this part.
And everthing was like this, i undergo my first semester, it was the worst semester ever. I almost decide to drop out from school due to the stress. After that i spent the winter break and chinese new year in indonesia!! Yihaaa.. Shortlyy.. I was back again to taiwan (also at 26th hahahaaha) and started my second semester. Fortunately, i had been get used to this thing now, and the stress wasnt as great as last semester. I think it is also because i get a nice teacher yeah..
But you know.. The real architecture starts from the third semester. Literally, the first year just for warming up for the next semester.. I don't know whether i should feel happy to have past my two hellist semester or i need to get stressed looking foward to the second year.
But you know, i dont even have time for that.. Summer holiday has come!!! Yihaaa and you know what it means?? It means !!! MORE HOMEWORK IS WAITING FOR YOU DUDE!! Even Death is not an excuse for architecture student, so is summer holiday!! Hell yaa!!!
I think it is just too unjustice, we have gone through our semester dead and alive, we even got our free time robbed away. Can they just give us a little exception for summer break?!! Cant they even let us have normal summer break like any other people would.. The teacher are not a human! Student supposed to rest and you DO know that since you used to  be ONE! ==".. And for the zillions times in my life, i thought i've made a TERRIBLE mistake.. This is insannee.. OMOOO... Just wish me luck!! I need to survive here.. Need the best best best of braveness, persistence and courage and ofc energy!! Wawaeaeawawawawawawawa
And yeah another teribble mistake i've made!! I took a partime job for summer, and the forgot to manage the schedule to fit with my hellas homeworks!! The job only left me 5 hours free time exclude from 8 hours of sleep. And in that 5 hours i need to eat my breakfast, twice of showers, and the commotion time. So simply put that, if i svae as much time as possible, i can have 1-2 hours everyday to do my homework. And even kids know it is far from enough. I dont know how to survive my summer break. I hope i could make it through.. Trying to speak with the manager to get two days or one day break every week, wish me luck!!

Happy summer all...
Hope you all have an amazing summer.
I believe every summer will leave us an unforgettable an immeasurable moment!!

暑假快樂!!

Case Closed

如果你願意一晨一晨一晨的剥开我的心
If you willing to layers by layers, peel and look inside my heart
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
You will build up in tears
只要你能听到我看到我的全心全意。
Just only if you can see or hear my whole heart, whole feeling.

I really love this song.. Its like describing my whole complicated feeling.
Maybe some people will think what the heck is going on with me. He is just crazy, just why did he keep pestered by all of this thing. All i can say is, u need to feel for u to understand. No matter how umuch u understand, how much you tried to feel it, unless u got it on ur own, u will definetely get what i mean by all this times.
Just to tell u, i dont want to give any shitto that anymore. I'll just let it be. Just try to live this way since i wasn't such a bad kind of life to live. It is just because u made urself to think this way. Your expectation that kind of perfect social life is just too overbroad. Helloo.. This is not some kind of drama u watch in television. This is life broo.. And life is never easy. Life is cruel. That's the first point why we are alive now anyway. To amend and atone for our sins.
But life isn't always cruel. It just depends how you are living your life. Just enjoy it. You dont need to spend your entire time to keep questioning about your ansos life. Since you still have alot more interesting things to do. You'll find so much you can do with that time you waste. Alone don't always a bad idea. People were born alone to this world anyway lol..
Yang penting, i dont care anymore. I am not alone. There are aloott of people in this world that is having thus kind of problem, or even even worse. Just because you are sick of your circle dont mean you need to let that sickness affected your life. So this problems are concluded this way..
Hahahaha.. No more post about this shit, and im going to end this now.

Okay, so lately i've been losing sleep.. Just kidding, most of my class has over now so i can sleep until whatever time it is. The crazy thing is, cause of my  whole "staying up all night" things, my sleep cycle has gotten even more crazier. Day has become my night literally. Just to be more actual, it is 06.10 in the morning now, and i havent even get to sleep. Cool isnt it. But still class over doesn't mean the homework has over. I still have two class homework need to be done by 30/6
So basically, it is alot more tranquil now but still not reaching the definition of freedom.
Speaking of freedom, entering architecture school, that means you have sold away your freedom to the teacher. The freedom that u safe securily with your life, has lost. Architecture means no freedom. Even in holiday. It is even worse if you got a holiday, the teacher will just adding extra to you since u'll be hhaving more free time.
Like this summer holiday. Which is 2months and a half long. Such a long time and the best time for u to start you long planned activities that havent been done till now.
Summer holiday, the thought that would have come to people mind is vacation, freedom, the only time i can finally get a rest from all the shit in the semester. I can finally get a rest and going into hibernation.
But not for achitecture. Although the curriculum has been more harder and
Dense than others, but still they dont give any happy holiday to us.
The teacher just give us the accumulation of homework you will get in that amount of time.. Mampus inggris hancur bener ini.. Lol
Not much lahh.. Only two kinds of homework.. Two kinds..   ........ 😐
The first "areee" 480 drawings to be done.. Holy shitss whatdepakk.. Wat da hell.. Are yoymu fukcing kidding mehh??!!
Hellooo its 480 brooo not 48. Even 48 are so much alreadyy..
Even if i managed to finished 10 a day i will need 48days =="" only if i do.

Ga puas gurunya hanya kasih 480bijiks gambar.  Dikasih lagi peer kedua.
Which is 8 models. You need to design a vacation house. Included with the interior. The concept. The development and eveyrhing. And 8 maquettes and 4 posters minimal shit shit shitt.. Is this holiday or what.. You are insane.. This is the typical of second year teacher. Belum masuk tahun kedua udah kek gini.. Mau jadi apa aku pas tahun kedua.. Shity babi anjing laut kura kura betinaaaaa..

Hanya ada satu pesan dari saya

DONT TAKE ARCHITECTURE !!

"Kalo mau hidup normal"

As soon as you enter, you'll be taken farr awayy from what it is being in a normal life means.

Iam the victim. We are the victim!!
Hanya saja sudah terlanjur apa boleh buat hikss.. Jalani saja..
Architecture + shitty circle + chiitty seniors + shitty languages + shitty people done udah.. Hufft.. What a cool life.. Hahaha
Kapan lagi kan bisa gini.. Kehidupan uni yang menabjubkan.. Kan dipikir pikir keren juga.. Jarang" ada yg kek ginian.. Enamtar juga bakalan jadi pengalaman yg indah dan tak terlupakan. Bahkan mungkin entar gue bakalan merindukan saat saat seperti ini.. Saat" guesibuk banget sampe mau gilak dgn jurusan ini, saat saat gue galau beratt, saat saat gue sendiri dan bisa melakukan dan menikmati hal hal Hanya bisa didapati waktu sendiri. Semua ini berupa pengalaman, experience and memories build up your life. And i soe point in your life, you'll miss this moment so so so bad.. 😁😁 dan sekali lagi semua ini hanya di arsitektur.
Fedrik hansen dari jurusan arsitektur mengabarkan...
Night fellasss ----- 06.46am

Do i even exist?

okay.. so the only reason why you saw this blog updated is either i really have something worth of writing or iam really fuck off.. zzz and you know what it is this time =="

pernah ga sih elu merasa elu berada di suatu situasi, di suatu perkumpulan, atau apapun itu tapi rasanya elu itu kek ga dianggap? like you bahkan ga merasa u ada tempat di dunia ini. hanya macem sampah yg ga berarti? seperti bayangan di siang hari yang bahkan tidak diperhatiin oleh orang". rasanya itu ..... sakitt... rasanya itu bahkan lebi parah dari dicabik cabik, rasanya elu bahkan merasa bukan seperti manusia, elu kek merasa, why do you even exist in the first place? why? am i exist just to fill the space of that as an invincible or sth like that. do i even exist in this world? apakah gue itu beneran ada ato cuma ilusi ilusi yang diciptakan buat mengisi dunia ini. gue bahkan uda gatau mesti emosi kek gimana. rasanya itu capek.. lelah.. i don't know what else to do instead of just writing stuffs. gue bahkan ga da org yg bisa dijadikan tpt merepet. karena pada akhirnya gue hanya akan berakhir lebih hurted. yah orang" hanya akan.. "oh gitu, sabar yah" yah itu memang jawaban yang lajim, and i understand that. but yah they just dont even care. why should they care? why should they spent their precious time just to care for somebody who doesn't even worth a shadow. it isnot even their problem, and everytime, i just ended up hurted deeper. it just make me think that i maybe really don't exist anywhere in this world. nobody understand me, and nobody would. (anjing lah ini kamar ribut kali kampret!! pulang lah cepet sana!! ribut kali kau jadi org arrghh) emosii arggghhhhhhhh.... i really reaallyy hate humann.. why human must be this rude.. iam trying to be nice with everybody, but yah.. i got nothing from that. its worthless.. but it is my nature to be that way and i was used to be this way since i was small.. iam the one that care deeply about how others will think, its like i keep prioritizing others feeling first before mine. and i ended up to be the one that is dissapointed and frustated. nobody understand me in which iam the one that need the most affections. Okay, this personallity is annoying. the personality that don't give a shit about others is better since they will always live happily without even putting people bussiness in their mind. ( adoh plis jangan ribut skrang bisa ga sih, w udah bisa bunuh orang ini==""""" i hope u go home now or stay silent monyettt)

yah semua bermula dari acara makan bersama guru grup arsitek gue. sebenarnya gue itu lebih memilih buat makan fancy sendirian dari pada mesti gabung sama org" yang bahkan ga peduli ma gue. it really doesn't worth it. habisin kira" 200k idr hanya buat lunch yang bahkan ga gue nikmati sama sekali. gue bahkan disana ga berselera. even menunya smua mereka yang milih, which is still okay for me since i dont have the mood to read the menu. parahnya kek panggangan bbqnya di domisili ma mreka. dan gue hanya menjepit jepit daging yg sudah mereka bakar.. tahapa aja. yah w karena orgnya cincai yah biarin aaja.. yg paling nyesek pas mereka mulai ngobrol".. fyi we have been in the same group for a semester. but our relationship hasn't get any further. yah gue dengerin mrka ngobrol gaje sama guru sambil refill minuman dengan tiga macem minuman berbeda terus menerus. sialnya hape gue udah mati, so i need to like pay attention to them. but i did spacing out the whole time. grup w itu ada satu orang taiwan yg dari kecil tgl di amrik jadi mandarinnya hancur juga. but, segrup itu kek smua pada peduli ama dia. kek apa apa mrka ngurusin terus. dibantu".. di ajak ngobrol walau dia ga ngrti. di tanya"in. wait! they don't ever ask me anything this whole semester. padahal kita hanya berdelapan yang stuck di semester 2 ini. but yeah, gue kek kena left out gitu.. the only thing that my studio teacher asked me was do you go back to malaysia this summer. helloo.. im indonesiann.. we meet every week but u don't even know im from indonesian. the first time i corrected you from being mistaken me from vietnam, i have already said that iam indonesian. and and and ==".. u reaally dont carreee.. u only care from the american one. all of them keep asking question to him. how are u doing this semester.. it must be hard since u are not from taiwan. what at=re you going to do for summer? and many more.. gue mendengar itu, hanya bisa duduk terdiam, tersenyum sangar sambil bermain" dgn gelas minum gue. and i was spacing out again.. singkat cerita setlah makan kita mengambil bbrpa foto bersama, and i at least tried not to fake a smile. i still remember the last time i took a photo with them, all of the comment was about how fake my smile was. after struggling to get the best smile i could afford that time, we parted with the teacher and going back school. on the way every one is walking 2 by 2. we are 8 but one of the girl parted sooner so i left me out odd. yeah gue macem angin yang berharap dapat cepet" bisa berdiam di tempat tujuan tanpa harus berterbangan ga da arah dgn mrka lagi. arrghhh i hate humannnnn!! humann!! they are not treating me as a human nor a friend. just like some stranger yang keberadaannya ga penting. padahal gue udah baik" ma mrka, trying to start a conversation, asking bout their condition whatever but but but arggghhh shittoopiii.. ah i hate thiss... why the amrik yang bahkan kek ga peduli ma apa apa di peduliin terus ma mereka.. it is fvking annoying.. just what did i do wrongg... why does it look like nobody want to befriend me here. am i really that annoying? that disgusting or whateverr..??? it is so painful.. rasanya aduhh mau gimana bilang.. i can't even describe it with words.
im so soory to make u guys keep reading this kind of post. but this is the only way i can describe all my feelings. though it is not really all out but at least it can make me feel better.. this is why i create this blog in the first place. only from writing alone can 1 describe about my complicated feeling. iam not good in expressing directly sothis is the only way though.

Oh monday~ (again)

Its mondayy~~
Omg.. Ngakak sumpah.. Everything i wrote when i having a stress never failed to surprised me. Im so ashamed when i reread what i wrote yesterday.. Hahaha.. It is just like the thing i will spit out if i am drunk. Just leave it be hahaha.. It will be more and more funny as the time pass by. XD
Okay back to topic.
I used to think why most people hate monday, it is just any other day in a week right?
And yeah, i think karma do exits. Me, the one that used to not hate monday, does hate it now. Its not like i hate monday, but the class on monday make me wanna puke.. Mainly because of the physics class. I found physic to be interesting when i was a highscholl-er (how i wish i still am, being in college is not a really nice idea hmm :( ) but the physic here? Ha! I dont even know what the teacher is talking about. Honestly, i am Sitting inside the physic class right now, yaa.. They are  all written in chinese, and are explained with chinese.. Full chinese.. Oh can u imagine how much i resent it. Hmm..
Im fvkng tired with all the chinese characters, why dont this country be a multilingual or just atleast billingual hemm.. It is just everything is translated directly into chinese whether it is good or not. It is like the people in this country are blind alphabetically so they translated it all into chinese instead zzz. Not only that, the thing i hate the most is when all of character name, famous people name, movie novel etc, are all translated into chinese. Omg.. Nama orang bagus bagus smua diubah suka suka. Hemm.. Okay forget it.

The other reason i hate monday is i have class until 9pm, this is not over yet since my deadly deadline is on tuesday, so i still need to rush over my homework alhough iam already so tired from all the class. Okay.. This wrap up my entire monday. Cool isnt it??

And yeah ofcourse second year wont be as nice as now. My achitecture class has been extended into more class. And they said the amount of homework in the second year is freaking a lot yet the level of difficullty is high. Yowes lah.. I have walked into this path of architorture, so i need to enjoy the torture right??? Yah u will get it as soon as you walk the same path as me.. Hahaha.. Wish me luck!! 😇😁

WALAOO EE!!!

WARNING!! IF YOU ARE A PROCRASTINATOR AND WANNA TO BE A BETTER ON IT YOU MAY CONTINUE!
BUT IF YOU DONT WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME ON THIS STUPID WRITING, THEN I SUGGEST YOU TO INITIATE AN IMMEDIATE LEAVE FROM THIS BLOG!! DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YAA...

THIS WRITING IS JUST SOME RANDOM STUPID WRITING WRITTEN BY HUMAN. ANY SIMILAR CHARACTERISTIC, NAME, OCCASION, EXPERIENCE, IS JUST A COINCIDENCE. WHETHER THIS WRITING MEANS ANY HARM TO YOU OR NOT, IS NOT HAPPEN BY ANY MEANS, SO I DONT FREAKING CARE ABOUT IT!

Iam getting lazier and lazier. Dont know what getting inside me lately, but i dont have the mood to do anything. Procrastinating is the only thing i did. I spent alot of time doing nothing. My mind fly to no where, like having itself on its own journey without me. Haiyaaa.. My work has been left back alot. I dont make any necessary progress. Yeah actually something has been budging me lately.. Hmm.. This thing made my thought flying over and over again. But yeah you know it is something i can say in here but only keep it lock down to myself.
Cinca!! Adohh sikuui lahh.. Hamiknya nihh.. Emcai lahh.. Kodok barbeque rasa lemon goreng lah.. Pusing pala fedrik owalahh.. Tah kenapa loh gini trus ohwnuooohhh...
Kenapa bumi itu ga bulat ajaa sihhh?! Kalo bumi bulat kan pas aku galau" liat laut sama sunset bisa nampak kapal gtu muncul dari ujung duluan nampak cerobong asapanya gtu tutt tuttt...
Trus klo bumi bulat kan matahari jadi bisa terbit dari timur dan tenggelam di barat hufftt.. Ga kek sekarangg..
Trus yah heran aku, sekaligus terkesann, manusia didunia ini banyak yah.. Trus smua pada sifatnya beda beda gtu.. Ga kerann banget kah ityu?? WOW
Trus yah, bumi itu hanya bagian kecil dari populasi kehidupan di semesta ini, trus kenapa kita ga pernah ketemu yah sama org dari planet laen gt? Ato kita pernah ketemu tapindi manipulate memorynya gtu jadi kek ga trjadi apa apa.. Yg berubah cuma selisih detik jam yang terdapat di meja belajar mu.. #apasih
Sejam di bumi tu, brrapa lama yah waktu di tempat mereka berada.. Kemaren yah aku nonton inception.. Wow.. Tah sejam yah di planet laen tah dimana gtu.. Di tempat yg jauuuhhh gelaaappp tak beranginn sampe iklan sunsilk pun ga bisa di buat setara dengan 10 tahun di bumi yah? Lupa deh lol tapi yah mmg time paradox tu mmg keren banget lah.. Ga ngrti aku.. Tahapa hapa ajaa..
Munding mikirin aja misteri misteri yg belum terungkap didunia ini.. Kek mystery box yayy dapat apa ga da yg tauuu yuhuu...

#pardonme
Ini cuma tulisan gajelass yihaa... Macem ketika u lagi rebus keju yang rasanya macem cicak asap yang barusan makan nyamuk #apalah #lupakann #yihaaa #immacrazzyyy yuhuuuu...
Somebody helpp meee!!! Nuoohh!! W uda macem karakter the sims yang udah mau gilak saking kesepiannya... Masalah nya w bukan cuma kesepian lol tapi juga tah lagi musim apa mikirnya random terus gajelass trus jadi ga buat apa apa deh. Udahlahyahh capekk aku... Hijss.. Tpi males tidurr.. Asdfmdkmsjcoslworjfmxowlf

Jam 4.30 dini hari
Senin
Tanggal delapan
Bulan juni
Tahun 2015
Matahari segera terbit
Langit belum menampakkan gejala gejala keterangan
Angin ga tau yah kencang ato ga arahnya dimana, lagi ga diluar
Kelembapan ga tau yah tapi sini lembapnya mnta ampoen
Acnya 23 derajat.. Dah oaling rendah sih
Org kamarnya uda pada tidur semua semenjak 4 jam yang lalu
Setengah jam lagi alarm yg s3 bunyi
Posisi lagi diranjang
Suhu 25 derajat celcius kali?
Suhu badan 36.2 derajat
Gayanya lagi lipa kaki, maen hape sambil berbalut selimut..
Guling disamping kaki ga di pke
Bantalnya dua ditumpuk biar posisi kepalanya lebi wow something ulala gitu.. Lagi ga kebelet pipis sih sekarang
Rambut udah lumayan panjang
Kacamata lagi dipke soalnya lagi nulis blog
Baju pake perpita yg hitam itu loh..
Celana yg pendek hitam abu abu punya..
Celana dalam, beha, behel, popok whatsoever
Trus yah lagi gila
Biasa juga gilak sih
Peer gajelass.. Jelek kali.. Tah buat apa
2 more weeks to final presentation
3 more weeks to summer holiday yihaa.. Tyihaa... Udahlah.. Makin sedih entar.. Nangis pulak!!

Selamat malam yah smua.. Walaupun w bingung kenapa malam itu namanya malam.. Trus kenapa malam itu yg gelap.. Kenapa bukan yg pas terang itu namanya malem.. Trus terang itu apa pun aye bingung yah. Entahlah bahasa ini smua dibuat buat aja. Fake kali pun jadi org.. Huh...

It is almost a year!

Hmm.. Sudah hampir setahunn aku terdampar di kota alien ni. Kota yang lumayan asing bagi saya, yang mana merupakan sesuatu yang lumayan baru dimata saya. gedung gedung tinggi yang berjejer, orang ramai yang berlalu lalang, bahasa yang cukup asing memenuhi seisi kota bagai nyanyian nyamuk  yang menjengkelkan dimalam hari,  dimana bisa dikatakan membuat kota ini terlihat sangat maju dan hidup. But, disamping semua keramaian ini, entah kenapa bagi saya kota ini sangatlah kosong, tak ada artinya, hati saya terasa hampa, sudah bersusah payah aku mencoba untuk mengisi kehampaan ini, but everything feels so flat. Rasanya hidup itu rata banget, ga da adrenalin adrenalin yang mengisi hidup ini. Detik demi detik, jam demi jam, hari demi hari, lewat bgtu saja, tanpa diisi dengan warna" dan hal" yang spesial kecuali... "kesepian"

Yah memang sulit untuk beradaptasi dengan lingkungan yang baru. But being alone and doing everything by yourself is even more harder. Yah mungkin kamu bisa merasa "it's alright, it is nothing, i dont need friend, i can do it all fine by myself", yes it is exactly what i kept it sticking in my head everyday, but as the time goes by, you will slowly feel your heart ripped away, feeling an hollowing inside it. You may trick away people, you may lie your mind but not your heart. Heart can feel every impureness felt by its beholder, so that why even if you kept lying to yourself, your heart will still get the damage by it. Because deep down downn.. Inside my inner heart, i need the figure of friends. I have many friends from social media, we chatted every day, most of us encountered the same problem, but you know, the difference of what you can feel between chatting with you friend and from direct conversation. It is different right? Whenever i wandering inside the city, watching drama, i kept getting jealous of them. Even people in the drama get the ideal figure of friends, yeah maybe it is too perfect for a real life.
..........................................................................
I kept asking myself, why should i be the type that is hard and struggling in making friend. Why cant i be the one that is easily blend inside the community.. Why why.. I keep trying to, but it is too hard, you cant change someone personality. Or else you will ended up as a "fake". just be yourself. Maybe just the time and place is not right enough. But you will get it when the time has come.

Life is never easy dude, people need to be strong, they need to be persistent in order to not being selected by nature. We need to think smart, change the perspective, look from the brighter side, be brave, and most of all, start your action. I know you wont be the one that kept screwing over and over again without getting any resolution right, thats why you need to deal with it, find your best method so you can be the better person. So fedrik, this is from yourself around this time, you can do it! Because no one know you better than me hahahaha!! You are almost there gogogo!!
Goodluck fedrikk wkwkk..

Fate

Its been a long dayy without you my friend~ and i tell you all about it when i see you again..

When will i see you again ? .....
When . . ..?? ?

Terkadang, saya bertanya tanya, what is fate? Just what is fate? Hanya sebuah kata sederhana yang terdiri dari 4 kata namun memiliki sejuta makna yang dalam.
Fate, yang mnghubungkan seluruh hubungan dan kejadian yang ada di dunia ini.
Fate, yang membuat saya bertemu dengan orang tua saya, saudara" saya bahkan teman teman saya.
Fate, yang terus menhalangi saya buat bertemu dgn orang yang mungkin perlu saya temui ataupun tak seharusnya saya temui.
Fate, yang membuat anda sekalian sekarang ini membaca tulisan ga penting saya.

Akhir-akhir ini saya barusan menghabiskan drama korea yang berjudul healer, yeah overall, i love it! Saya terkagum dengan jalan ceritanya yang menghubungkan kejadian kejadian dimasa lalu dengan kejadian sekarang. Saya suka dengan bagaimana mereka bermain dengan kata "fate" ini. Dimana pemeran utama wanita yang bertemu secara tidak sengaja dengan pemeran utama pria dimasa depan, ternyata merupakan teman akrab bermain saat kecil.
After watching this movie, saya mulai kembali teringat dengan masa masa kecil saya, masa masa dimana saya memiliki teman sepermainan yang hampir saya lupakan, masa masa yang telah kabur dan menjadi suatu bekas yang menetapi masa kecil ku.
Okay lets start from here, when i was small, back from the time before i could get a vivid memory of it, all i could remember is i was still very small that time, when i was still an innocent boy where everybody call me a cutie or whatever hahahahaha.
As i have ever said before, i didnt get many friends when i was small, i am the typical of kids that play by himself, alone, at home, with some toys and video games, they are indeed my best friends :)
It is not like iam a anti social kid, the victim of abusing or whatever it is. It was just because my brother, sister, neighbours are not in their age to play with me anymore, so it left me no choice.
Thats when i meet a girl, a year younger from me, she is my neighbour causin, i meet her when i was visiting my neighbour for some cakes, the lady beside my house is really good with cakes and she likes to invite me for some when whenever she make one, i always licks the plate shining without any track of the cream hahahaa.. I found out that the girl often visiting that place and like to play with the lady's daughter, that when we knew each other and started to play together. She often visit my house or i will visit my neighbour house, the reason i never visit hers cause she has a sick sister in her house that passed away not long after i knew her. My days has turned so happy and lively after i had friend to tag along with, and as day goes by, we becomes best friend. People often make us up as a couple, teasing us around, but after all we are still a clueless kid that knows nothing about love hahhaa..
Unfortunately for me, these days werent last for long, after a month of her sister's death, thier family decided to sell their current house and find another atmosphere. She just left without goodbye, and my neighbour said they were moving to another town :(.
After her leaving, my days turned into my usual and as time goes by i started to forget about her existence. I couldnt help it, what do u expect from the memory of 5/6 years old kid?? Even if you ask me know, i cant even manage to get some images of her in my head, it is like she as disappear completely leaving only memories behind.
I heard she ever visitied my neighbour once a year, but i never managed to meet her, all i know about her was from my parents description after meeting her, like she has turned into such a beauty lah, she cut her hair short lah.
Hmmm... 12 years have passed, we must have changed alot that we wont recognize each other when we meet on street. Maybe we will just get that electrical sting or whatever hahaha..
I just wondering what is she doing now, how is she, does she still remember me? She must have finished her high school and starting preparing for college. I know i can easily get her contact from my neighbour, but iam such a coward to do it and i know we will be a complete stranger even if we meet again. So i decided to just leave it to "fate". If we are destined to meet each other again, then we will, right? Hahahaha

Kadang saya terkagum kagum dengan yang namanya "fate". Fate bisa mendatangkan sesuatu yang tak terduga yang bahkan tak dapat kamu bayangkan. It has vast and enormous possibillity. Every people live their own life and time is never stop running, we all live into our flow of fate, we let our fate to lead us into our future. So we must keep fighting for our life and make our fate leads us into a brighter future :D Good night all~~

Just sometimes

Sometimes.. Sometimes ... I ask me why, i wonder why, this question keep wandering inside my mind like the thrust empty wind. I don't know whats this feeling that keeps hollowing me. Haunting me, insisted for some revelation or whatever you call it. Just there is a time, i would feel myself so pitiful. I know i am not in the condition to pity my self in contrast to them with the worse situation. But this is just some kind of thought okay. This is just the little question that has been hardening all this time inside my deepest heart. I've been holding up for all this time you know. I've kept telling myself, lying to my self, convincing myself, that i am alright, that i am fine, that i've go through well. But deep inside, i feel so lonely. For all this time,, farrr since i am such a small innocent boy. I keep asking to myself, i keep asking my mom, i keep looking around desperately, searching for one solid reason that i wish i could really understand. whyy whyy just whyy am i so lonely, what wrong i have done for me to be such a lonely child. Just why am i be the one that can only want to have the warm, happy, feeling of having their dear friends beside them. Ive been longing for this all this time. I am so lonely you know, why for all the things i have to be the one who plays by himself, accepting toys to be his only friend, while all the child of his age playing happily together. I wonder why, i wish i could really know why, But everything only remains as why.. Why?? I dont know exactly why. It is just a why? And you know why? Don't ask me why.

Bad Day

apes apes apess... kempes sekaliann.. apes banget gue hari ini.. zzz... saya terbangun dengan panggilan terakhir alarm handphone saya sebelum dia... meninggal t.t saya terpaku melihat handphone gue yg segera mati setelah aku mematikan alarmnya. yeahh just like that.. then i charged it again dan menyadari bahwa hasil cas gue semalaman itu berujung pada 0% zzz.. akhrnya saya meninggalkan alrm gue ddan segeran bergegas ke kelas. yep.. saya telat masuk kelas, dan lebih apesnya saya harus mendengar ocehan ocehan guru mandarin yang tak jelas selama 3 jam tanpa hp. yeshh.. it was the longest lessons in my life.. -.-. setelah lonceng tnda berakhirnya kelas berbunyi, saya bergegas kembali kekamar untuk mengambil hp saya.. and you know whatt... still 0% what the heck is going on!!! saya kemudian mencoba menghidupkan ponsel saya berkali kali, tetapi sama sekali tidak ada hasilnya. malahan sekarang ketika saya mencolok charger ke ponsel saya. layar ponsel saya hanya diam membisu dengan mukanya yang hitam menatapi diri saya. yes singkat cerita, hape saya rusak, dan saya ada ujian pada jam pelajaran berikutnya. parahnya itu, syaa sama sekali tidak memiliki kamus untuk menstranslate satu per satu soalnya. kemudian i teringat dgn alfalink saya.. teng tenggg.. seberkas harapan turun dari surga dan segera masuk ke tartarus ketika saya menemukan baterai didalam alfalink gue melelehh yeaahh! i changed it into a new one and it didnt work anymore. so i just went to class empty handed and with empty heart ofc because my phone is my soul as an ansos in the school. singkat ceritanya lagi saya ujian dengan seluruh kekuatan bulan dan matahari. kemudia bergegas utk ke lenovo service center yg tak tau dimana tempatnya. sya google dri laptop kemudia terbang ke sana sesegera mungkin. sesampai disana saya sejam muter muter ga jelas, dan untungnya saya sebelumnya ada memoto mapnya dgn dslr. and finally i went to that face and lined up. gue itu antri selama setengah jam, sambil menonton eluhan dari para customer akan laptop laptop mrka. yeah laptop everywhere no handphone dan saya sudah mulai gelisah. setelah nomor ai di panggil, dan ai ngobrol" dgn orgnya, rupanya katanya we can't help you, because we don't sell any lenovo phone in this country, dengan bahasa aliennya yg alhamdulilah saya ngerti. singkat ceritanya lagi dan lagi saya menyerah dan berencana utk ganti hape baru hiksss.. but ilove this phone... hiaaaa akhrnya saya pergi ke stasiun utk makan makanan indo dan indahnya bagaikan bintang" di surga, tokonya udah tutup walau baru jam 7 malam. wthhh! so i decided to go to ramen house yg katanya terkenal akan kelezatan dan haragnya yg ekonmomis. dan lagi lagiii saya pesan menu yg luar biasa enak... rasanya hambar, dagingnya mengelikan and totally, ga enak pake bangett!!! zzzzz karena udah stress banget karena merasa apes banget hari ini, sya berencana utk beli es krimm yayyy finally... saya beli double scoop dan dengan anggunnya menyodorkan 35NTD ke orangnya karena biasa harganya gitu. dan ternyata saya ke stand yg berbeda dan harganya 65NTD apalah yahh!! yasudah lah bayar aja pikirku.. saat mau meraih recehaan didalam dompetku, ai ai penjga tokonya kmudian berteriakk, and the next thing i know, scoop eskrimku jatuh dengan elegannya ke tanah... SH**t gigik lah yahhhh.. utgnya ainya yg merasa agak kasihan dengan guenya rela memberikan gue bonus eskrim yg bagus... and then i just went blank.. duduk terdiam, menyantap eskrim tanda kasihan, sambil melihat orang" gila menari" didepan layar tipi.. ckckckk.. okay singkatnyaa lagiiii saya berbgegas pulang karena tak mau ada hal aneh aneh lagi yg terjadi.. soo now,, saya stress bangettt... akan ga da hpp tugas yg menumpukkkk, baju kotor ku yg belum cuci... sampah kertas kertas yang berserakan oHNOO okayy gotta go bye!

Unproductive Day

Not in the mood. Don't know why.. just feel sad :( just want to write something here cause i dunno what to do. just feel an empty hollow inside my chest as if a spear just burst into my abdoment and leave an snatched away my feelings. like when i wake up this morning, everything started then. i wake up with the thought of chasing my approaching deadline on 4 o'clock this noon. what else will ruined your mood as hurt as this when the very first thing you think of when when opening your sticky, watery eyes with yeah short amount of sleep, sleepy face, super messy bed hair ive never get before, is your homework. the homework which is still far beyond completeness, and will never be complete by 4. i focused all of my energy on getting out of bed, it is really hard and i took 1 hour of  snooze on my alarm before finally waking up. it was already 10 and i rushed to make some oat meal and started to do my model. at least i thought i could make up something by 4 instead of empty-handed in front of the teacher. it is an instant death of course. just imagine you had to present empty-handed in front of ur friends and teacher. it is justt too muchh.. i cant bear it thinking of how much i've embarassed myself infront of them. But this didn't seem to be any problem to just called him awan. This guy is so so something. he never failed to WOW me. because out of everybody out there, nobody beside me know the feeling of being the most stupid foreign student "at the moment". I put emphasis on it, since it is just for temporary. because i've started get a hold of their tail, and soon over their head hahaha.. Better Watch out yeah!! okay let's back to awan, not because of his extraordinary skill or an extravagant design that manage to wow me. but his persistency. we are already in the thirds weeks.  fyi my studio program is 1 topics per month. so we keep sending out our idea and make the model every weeks, and listen to the teacher whether we could continue to develop our model or need another extra one. as everybody would assume that we would have done so much thing for the last third weeks. Of course iam not the one that has reached the minimum requirement that the teacher wants each week. since i got it wrong on the second week so i need to repeat it. As for this person, awan, he is so great. he hasn't did any single things for this past 3 weeks. no he did some. but he kept getting it wrong. So in just one week by the final presentation he hasn't even get any single clue on his design. and today, he appeared empty-handed. OMG, i don't know how much pressure he must have gotten. and i know if it would be me, i won't be coming to the class and just give up on this project. i know it is hard. i know you must not clearly understand the topic, the teacher, and everything!! i do know it! because the same very thing also happen to me. but could you at least try to figure it out for urself? youre not back in state anymore. u are alone in this country and u need to support yourself. you need to wrk harder than anybody else, not easier than them. it is just like you are not trying at all. i knowww... because i was exactly like that last semester. i spent my whole homework time on Galauing over my project not doing anything cause i don't know what should i do, and yet, what did i get? just get my time more limited and i still need to finish it because we must. my previous teacher is not as scary as now. but you can't do that. not just because the teacher is kind and you can do all what you want. the teacher is trying his best not to put so much pressure on us. because he do know whats the pain of being an architecture student. hahahaha okay thats all about awan. just wanna to make my heart at ease.. so no offence.
After class, i spotted my bule friend circled by a few taiwanese people. they just errr.. chatting so happily... she's got a friend finally huh... make me feel so sad lol im sorry hahaa.. just when iam trying to get over my loneliness by comparing it to others with also no friend to get stronger, and she's got a friend. hahaha but thats fine.. atleast i also kind of close with her so im fine with it hahaha.. 人說在台灣念書特別不容易 i always heard this sentence coming out from mouth over mouth, included mine. everybody felt that way. it need a lot of efforts and an extra strength to survive in here. and of course, it is hard. incredibly hard. moreover with their lack of english proficiency and ours of chinese hahahaaa. it is just u tried to understand animal's language. yes, i've always tried to be strong. we need to put that mind idle on our mind. not to let it go. so we can stay positive and strong everytime. but.... we don't always need to be strong right? we don't need to be the side that always suffer. we also need a rest, a rest of always trying to put up a strong act. we sometimes, need to put an ease and cry a river, we don't need to hold back. crying doesn't mean you are weak. sometimes, we need a warm shoulder we can lean on, when we don't have the strength to stand alone. we need to escape from all this cruel and fierce reality for a while.So for all of my friends out there, jia you ba.. we can do it derr!! wo men yi ding ke yi de!! bie fang qi!! 放棄不是選擇 !! and ofcourse!! suicide also not an option! so stay out of it okay!! especially to jolie cie and artis furen...
PS: artis furen jangan galau terus kau! u galau sok kali jadinya huhh wkwkwkwkk kek gimana gitu. gue nampak temen gini yah bilangin terus #guemahorangnyabegitu

Ohyeahh.. i almost forget an important part of this day!
CONGRATULATION ON MY GALON TUAPUI FRIEND!!! So happy to hear you achieving scholarship for being the first rank of the class.. SUMPAH ini anak keceh banget.. gila bahh... emaang lah worth it banget.. tiap malam gadang mpe pagi.. sering ga tidur hanya buat pr designnya... and yet! u prove it! that hardworks worth it all... Dan orang taiwan itu tak ada apa apanya.. cuma alien semata wkwkwkwkwk!! once again congrats dehh... keren banget lah gilekss.. rank 1 omoooo... Baek baek deh yahh di jurusan u skrg.. keep up the work!! smoga jadi designer terkenal duehh wkwkwk.
Behind the scene : gue tulis ini karena gue sedikit kesel. wkwkwkwk.. just when i told my roomie.. Danjo that kaem itu ranking satuu...dia balasnya dengan wow wow gitu trus bilang iyah sihh worth it lah dia udah berjuang keras. gigik ga sih ato karena akunya yg lagi sensi, minta di tampar pake tisu basah. otak gue memproses kata" itu dengan perspektif yang 180 derajat berbeda dengan maksudnya si danjo. iyah sih selama ini si danjo itu tau kalo si galon itu asik gila"an buat pr dari ceritanya gue. trus saat dia blg dia worth it banget karena uda berjuang itu rasanya.... something sharp peirced through my heartt... sakit banget rasanya... yah gimana ga sakit... roomate gue, yang tiap hari liat gue streess"an ngerjaain tugas mulu Or he doesnt know idont care but ketika dia bilang si galon berjuang keras banget itu saya rasanya.... terdiam. . . . . . . rasanya seluruh arus dalam tubuh ku itu berhenti sejenak.. gue rasanya tidak berguna banget. gue rasanya bagaikan kacang kering yang semakin mengering dibwah cahaya terang lampu di atas meja. yah kenapa enggak. soalnya saya itu merasa saya udah berjuaang bangett, gila gila an, dan smua itu hanya buat dapat mengejar ketertinggalan saya, hanya buat saya hampir bisa berada di satu garis dengan temen temen kelas. not in da top.. yah juga bukan guenya yg so ambitious, yang bisa gila gila mau buat yg terbgu. yang sebagus"an giaman gitu. yah karena gue juga orangnya ga gila amet yh, ngorbanin kesehatan buat nilai bagus hahahaa... gue sih biasa aja.. malahan puas bahkan karena gue uda ga sebodoh semester kemaren hahahaa... but after all.. ketika mendengar sepatah kata yg dilontarkan danjo tsb, saya merasa tertusuk tusuk wkwkwkwkkwkkwk..

Ohiya ada lagi... just karena itu sigalon mau rayain dia dapat beasiswa gituuu.... jadi dia ajak gue dan si artis furen buat keluar. toh kita juga uda lama ga keluar bareng soalnya masing" tugasnya sibuk tujuh delapan keliling. wkwkwk.. and you know whattt.. ketika kita udah pada siap" untuk keluar, kebetulan kita bertiga sedang kosong malam ini. tiba tibaaa.... eh tiba tiba ckckck si artis tiba tiba bilang dia ga jadi keluar... what?? okelah yah kalo emang ga bisa.. but oh but alsannya itu kalo dia mau nyuci baju.. #tweplak! yaelahh.. tinggalin ato gimana aja kek.. kan pake mesin.. pake acara tar bajunya bau anjing lahh... takut sempaknya dipegang orang lah.. keranjang baju jadi ring basket lah apalah itu.. ngakak ga sih?? enggak yah?? wkwkwkwkk yah mau gimana juga yah.. namanya juga artis yah gitu dehh.. bedaa mahh bedahhh... #artismahorangnyabegitu agak high high gmna gtu.. kek habis nge-bar minum 5 gentong bir trus muntah muntah then fly high up to the sky deh.. jadi bidadari cantik.. hmmm... dan sekarang dia cuma read terus chat gue.. okay finee... bakat artis makin muncul udah kalo lagi galau.. oke fineee #artismahbegituorangnya wwkwkwkwkwkwkk #nooffenceyah artis.. jangan karena w tulis gini, u gugat w pake 10 pengacara bilang pencemaran nama baik gimana gitu.. tar gue kan jadi terkenal.. gimana dong lol oke BAY!

Curcolan tengah malam

People says, "jika orang iri dengan apa yang kamu miliki, tidak kah ada sepatah katapun yang baik tentang kamu muncul dari mulutnya".
Dan saya sedang mengalaminya sekarang. Bukann sebagai pihak yang dicaci maki, tetapi malahan pihak yang memaki. Ckkck
Why?? Yah mungkin saja karena peer saya yang lumyan banyak, dam ketika saya melihat temen kamar ataupun orang laen, syaa akn mulai membanding"kan dan mulai mencaci maki. Yahh lumayan bisa melegakan sedikit stress.
Dan barusan saja.. Ketika saya menscroll layar instagram w untuk mencari inspirasi buat maket #alasan.. Disitulah semua dimulai.. Saya menemukan bbrpa temen saya yang pergi berlibur di pulau teridah taiwan, oh yeahhh... Theyre having so much fun in that beautiful paradise whilst im in the midst of nowhere doing this shitty homework zzz..  Dan bukan itu saja, semakin saya scroll kebawah, kemudian syaa menemukan temen bule gue (yang lumayan ga da temen seperti gue) sudah menemukan gebetannya.. Omg.. That means she is not alone anymore.. Bukan hanya itu saja.. Temen seperjuangan arsitek saya yang berada di dua sekolah yang berbeda, juga sudah mulai punya gebetan.. Grrrr.... Nyesekk... Kalo kata jaman sekarang disitu kadang saya merasa sedih... Ckckckk.. Yah.. Si bule itu, punya pacar arsitej yang tahun ketiga.. Lucky banget kann!! Bukan hanya bisa bantu" kasih saran! Bahkan dia bisa menjadi translator terbaiknya si bule dan penghantar si bule dapat temen makin bnyak. Mengingat pacarnya yang tahun ketiga, saya teringat dengan senior cew tersayng tercinta ter muach muach saya  yang thun ketiga, yang merupakan senior gue satu satunya yg dari indo. Dan mrpkn harapan satu" nya ketika saya stuck.. But, yah smua itu hanyak ekspektasi, realitanya, senior saya itu emang cantik baik ter muach muach deh.. Pengen gue lempar, tampar" buang ke blender hancurin alirin ke klosett!! Grrr.. Yah i told u! Syaa disini apa apa smuancari tau sndri.. Ga ngrti ngrrtiin pakssa paksain sndri.. Zzz.. Yahh gue juga sebisanya ga gangguin org, karena itu bukan tipe gue.. Yah tapi gue pasti ada dong masa masa suram banget, dimana u pun rasanya udah ga pengen hidup, dimana dunia sudah menolak mu, apapun you tak ngerti, dan harapan satu satunya, "senior yang cantik termuach nuach itu!" but what.. Dia hanya rwad read read dan read gue! Hampir rata rata vmchat gue 6bulan ini cuma diread dia, kalo tidak cuma diblas seadanya trus blg coba aja googling.. Omejii!! Kalo google ada w ga bakalan capek capek emosian naik darah nnyain loe! Oh noo!!! Stress awakkk... Tenggelamin awak di genangan ajaa zzzz.. UDah deh.. Emang udah nasib, temenn kek gitu, senior kek gitu arrgghhh... Huff huff huff udalahyahh.. Bsok mau bangun pagi buat pr yang ga tau buatnya ga bagus" juga. Haihh.. Tapi gue ga sabar melihat insta" mrka yang berujung mengibgatkan saya pada senior tecantik terbaik terimoet ter muach muach itu.. Love yahh~~

Yolidehio~

Haloo halo halo halo haloo semuaa.. Hahahaha okay.. The truth is i miss all of u esehh.. It has entered the third week since i came back to Taiwan. The good news is that saya telah mulai terbiasa dengan kehidupan disini, bahkan jauh lebih terbiasa dibandingkan semester kemaren. Yes, as u know, last semester is a doom, hanya memikirkannya dapat membuat saya tertawa terbahak", melihat betapa bodohnya saya, betapa lugu dan polosnya saya, sebagai seorang murid dari luar, yang tidak mengerti dengan bahasa bahasa alien yang dilontarkan terus menerus bagaikan meriam di medan perang. Saya, yang berusaha setengah mati mengejar ketertinggalan saya, baik dalam bahasa, maupun dalam pelajaran di universitas. Ketebalan muka saya yang dipaksakan buat dipertebal setiap saya melakukan hal yang bodoh tanpa gue sadari.. Hufftt all of that just leave me some unforgettable impression and experience on how struggling i am trying to be part of them. Yah although i am still far away for being on par with them, but at least i am mentally prepared better than last semester. Maybe this is also because i get the nicest studio design teacher, but i don't care. Importantly, i can feel strong in my adaptation period, and can keep going on this major. Because one thing i have learnt after reading so many motivational quotation when i am feeling so broke down is that i am not really been in the wrong department, it is just the way i use for thinking, my perspective were wrong. I just haven't been used to this department, not because i don't have the ability to do so. And this idea alone, let me have a better foundation on keep fighting for this. I have ever thought of changing my major, but i think that every major has it own difficulties, and what then if i move to an easier department? I think i will just end up having regrets and having the empty feeling for not doing the thing i like just for the idea of escaping all of this reality. Hahahaa.. I think that i have become a more positive person, and i hope i will also when i was having the hard time.
Talking about homesick, saya rasa ini bukanlah suatu hal yang mengherankan, dan juga bukanlah suatu hal yang mesti di tertawakan. Because whereever u are as long as u were distant from ur family, hal ini akan merangkak pelan pelan menghampirimu, menunggu waktu yang tepat untuk menyerangmu disaat kamu sedang berada di suatu kondisi yang rentan. Actually, i still have so many to talk about but it is already so late here, and i need to wake up early and doing my models tomorrow..
Okay good luck!! And fightingg!!! Yossh!!!

Homesick

Huaaaaa~~ tak terasa liburan telah berakhir hikss.. Tanpa sadar kusesali bahwa 28 hari tidaklah cukup bagi saya untuk berada dimedan. Rasanya, kemaren baru saja saya bersama temen temen saya menelusuri kelak kelok kota taipei demi mencari oleh oleh yang tepat buat di bawa pulang, dan sekarang saya sudah berada di atas ranjang saya yang tipis, keras, dan dingin. Ranjang yang tinggalkan selama hampir satu bulan.. Huaaa~ baru saja hari pertama sampai, tidak, bahkan sesaat setelah saya menginjakkan kaki saya di bandara taipei, saya sudah merasa sangat ingin pulang. Tidak hanya saya, bahkan semua teman saya juga merasakan hal yang sama. Bagi kita, ke taiwan merupakan suatu neraka yang mengerikan, putting the education aside, dimana kita harus berdiri sendiri di negara asing, ditengah tengah kerumunan orang orang yang berceloteh dalam bahasa yang kerap susah di mengerti, orang orang yang lebih mementingkan diri mereka sendiri. Yah mungkin saja bagi sebagian orang merasa bahwa dapat bersekolah di luar negri merupakan hal yang sangat luar biasa, sangat beruntung dapat menuntut ilmu di negara orang. Yaa saya awalnya juga merasa seperti itu. Sejak saya duduk di bangku sma, saya selalu merasa betapa beruntungnya senior senior saya sepupu sepupu saya yang dapat bersekolah diluar negri. Seperti di jepang, USA, Australia, UK dll. Pastilah mereka sangat beruntung dan bahagia. Tetapi, setelah saya mengalami hal tersebut sendiri, saya mulai berpikir kembali, betapa beruntungnya mereka yang dapat menuntut ilmu mereka di dekat naungan keluarga mereka, kehangatan" yang menyelimuti mereka bukan lah melainkan kedinginan dan kekosongan yang selalu menghampiri saya disini. Yaa memang saya egois. Manusia memang tidak akan puas dengan apa yang mereka miliki. Maybe saya hanya belum terbiasa dengan segala pernak pernik kehidupan di taiwan. Dimana saya harus terbiasa untuk melakukan seglaa sesuatu tanpa bantuan orang lain, dimana temen temen kurang bergaul karena faktor bahasa, ditambah lagi ketika perasaan rindu akan keluarga yang sedang pada puncaknya. ANd this what i feel now, it is just like a dream. Kemaren saya masih berada di rumah saya, bermain main dengan dua keponakan saya yang lucu luar biasa, makan bersama keluarga, ngobrol ngobrrol dengan asiknya dengan mereka t.t hikss.. Dan sekarang, saya hanya bisa memanggil kembali ingatan tersebut dan bernostalgia dengannya. Besok adalah awal permulaan kehidupan hellish, dan saya harus menjalani nya dengan kuat selama satu tahun baru dapat kembali lagi kemedan. Yeah it is not a short amount of time. But i hope that i could pass these days smoothly, happily, and bravely.

So Not Important

there is no normal day for me, nothing good happen in my day, instead of just my sleeping habit has been wrecked out of the journal, everything has been turned upside down, my day has become night and vice versa.  i wake up at 4pm and stayed in my bed for 2 hours reading manga, and this was how i started my day. i took a shower and went to the canteen afterward. i went there with one of my roommate, and then he invited another 2 friends to eat with us. it has been a long time for 4 of us to be gathered together, since i didn't have any similar class with three of them while they did! yeah, architect is destined to be forever alone. everybody said that architect only friends is with fellow architect. unfortunately this theory didn't work on me which made this even worse. we all talked so much, but i only joined in the laughing part, because whatever i said, my roommate will repeat what i said but in a stormy way. so what's the point of me talking anyway. so i stayed quiet for the rest time until they asked me why am i being so quiet and asked me to talked about my architect life. but i declined because i dont feel like to talked about it, also they wont understand it though. since they are so happy in the uni not like me. and everytime i talked about it my roommate like to give me that look. the look which mean just what iam stressed for. i dont even have any exam. whatever lah.. iam tired about it. i dont want to debate it anymore. he kept unhappy and want to show him to other that he endure much more hardship than me. yeah i must admit it. watching movies and playing games all  day is much more stress than doing home work all days. iam just being too lebay. satisfied??! iam sorry my roommate is a nice guy, but this thing annoyed me so much..   == ahh maybe iam just too sensitive.. forget it. i hold too many grudge against the people in my university. Noooooo the biggest is towards my classmate, i hate it everytime i looked at them, second one is my only indonesian senior.-. actually i still have one senior but he has changed his major. i hate him so much. everytime i asked him, he will answers me with an answers which was not related or he will just read me. fine.. he did this to me often, and i dont want to asked him anymore, which was also not much a help. i dont hate my other senior. i understand she is too busy with her work. i admire her so much for being able stay in this major.. hmmm... actually i got irritated with my winter homework aaahhhh... the teacher just give me a paper full of the topic of the homework without any explanation. wait he did explain something lalalaa... he said this homework must not be really hard since you guys have learnt it back in highschool. yess themm!! but not me!! wth!! grrr... i need to finish this homework before i back to indonesia but is is just so fvkng hard.. i dont have any clue about it.. ohhh why is it like this -.- anyways just forget it.. this is just any random thought to ease my anger. okay bayy..

Lost in Ban qiao

hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaa im lost. nyehehehe~ and now i have placed my tired body in one of the traditional restaurant that sells 火鍋 spell it "huo guo". huo guo is a kind of sang woo in indonesia. this kind of food is so common in taiwan. you can find it easily as you can find nasi campur in indonesia :D..
today is not a good day to travel because my stomach annoyed me so much, continuosly, i have entered to bathroom twice bcause of it. Actually, my purpose today is to go to the grand opening of the temple. the temple people has give me the address clearly, but i cant find it somehow. it is like the temple is being covered by some mystical mist and something has keep preventing me from reaching there. my travel is as smooth as silk not until i reach Ban qiao MRT station, that is when i got my first stomach attack. fyi Ban qiao is a big city that was believed to be the center of taipei city in the past. it is a big and modern city. there are so many skyscrapper and modern architecture. but not with the Bus station, i need to ride a bus to the venue, but cause my stomach is burdening me so much i need to went to the toilet. to be honest, the design is s.u.c.k. i understand it is so old already, but the toilet is just too something i should say. it is so creepy and it emits a strange fragnant. it was like the one i smell back when my junior high school was being sprayed by the mosquito medicine to prevent DBD. yoloo.. i finished my part quickly and stormed away from that place. i board the 307 bus to the venue, but till halfway i just realised that i board the wrong direction bus. the bus i need to take is 307 to the west but i took 307 east. hmm.. so, i jumped down the bus and board the west one. the bus was full at the time and i need to stand all the way for quite a distance. i rushed to the nearest sevel eleven as soon as i left the bus and throw a blow there. yes, i weak against motion sickness and i vomit my breakfast all the way. yuckk lolol after that i began my ecpedition to search for the temple. i spent almost 1 hour pattoling around the place, asking few bypasser and still no result. i realised that the last number i can find is 465 as the one i need to go is 466. so i kept searching and searching for the 466 till i got a call from my stomach *again* arrghh.. this made me need to went to seven again. after that i gave up to find the place and find myself inside the food store now. okay.. my 火鍋 has arrived and here it is The traditional chinese herb and mushroom to enhance my strength after all of the beat ahahha..  itadakimasuu~

Random night-dawn-morning

i don’t know whether i am crazy or something goes wrong in my head, but what i DO know is it’s 4.50 in the morning iam still fully awake, laying in my "not fluffy" bed, and letting myself exposed to the radiation of the cellphone in the middle of the darkness. these kind of bad habits has last for about 4 days, and iam started to feel that 4am is still to early for sleep. literally like 11pm in my school days. thus my mind kept thinking in wilderness, thinking of nonsense thing, like "i think it’s better for me to move to europe or Amerika, because it suits me better. i don’t need to get all stress about this alien language,  the miscomunication between classmates etc. and of course i wont get a jetlag wkwkk..
My days is just like the usual, (you know how it is) the only good things is just i have finished all of my works for this semester. and finally i can get relax and doing everything i want, everything i want to do when i cant, without any burden in my heart. yeah.. because at least in a weeks i was having 3 to 4 kinds of different homework, and each could take a day or half to finished. just imagined, even if you have a free time, even just a little, can you really relax your mind, soul, and body, relaxly like relaxa ._. Ofc no... how could you... it is like one of your feet has been restrain with a chain that restrict your movement. But when i think about it, as soon as i started my first day in architecture school, emm.. no maybe when i got admitted in the department. ii have been bind tightly with the unescapable fate. errr... so, i am felling so much at ease now.. iam soo relieveddd... but i didnt last long, just a couple minutes later, i got a news that my WINTER assignment will be collected on 25 february, and you will have your design studio that includes presenting your assignment in front of class on 26february. WTH with this schedule!! i will be arriving in taiwan at 26feb in the afternoon.. ju st tt.... OMG it sucks! the very first day of the beginning of the new semester, and i will have to face this shitty class. t.t 天啊啊！i.am.just.speechless. just when this class wont keep annoy mee! -_- it.makes.me.hates.and.hates.and.hates.this.major.even.more aarrrggjhh bebek panggang cappucino lahh!!

Insomnia

helloo there~ hehe.. finally after going through so much hardship, and the up and down state in my life, my design class is overr... yayyy *crying in happiness* okay.. let’s save that talk for later, and what i am going to state now is it is 5.34 A.M now! and i am still feeling so energetic. trying to sleep half hour ago and failed. and now here i am, grabbing my phone, writing some words, waiting for my sleepyness to come, accompanied by my noisy roomate. i dunno what kind of voice he is making. he is just keeping mumbling through his sleep. but judge from the sound, nightmare isn’t much a choice(?) or he is just too good in enjoying his sleep(?) Nevermind. Cool, due too my changing time of sleep, i have been observing all my roomate sleeping habit unavoidably. yeahh... actually my sleeping habit has changed drastically these past few months and i am officially became an night owl, just look at this, i am still messing with my blog when everyone has started to wake up. but what should i do, habit is just a habit hahaha.. so whenever i tried to sleep, it took me a lot of effort to do so and my mind will just started to fly over time make me began to think about my past time. like yesterday, i was thinking about my childhood times, when everything were still so fine, no stress, no burden, nothing to worry, the time when i can still live my day happily and innocently, the time when i was still learning how to live (and still until now), the time when i will cried everytime i was scolded by my parents or teased by my siblings as if crying could solve everything.. aahh~ miss those times alott... i just wish that i could still possess that innocent life, but it cant be help.. a wish is just a wish, obly a super miracle could grant it, as people will grow older and older, living another new days and leaving it only as memories. yeah.. it is nature law, the law that cant be break no matter how you tried it. unless the making of time machine come into a success and vastly become household utilities, and just then can we think over about all of this nature law. talking about time machine, there sure is something i wanna check about. maybe it is just my imagination or iam watching doraemon too much but i still remember there is some times in my past that happen a quite strange thing, that is still unsolved till now. but one thing, iam not sure is whether that was just my dream or it is trully happen. "It happened in one morning, when iam still a kid, i was having school that day if it is right, i wake up in a sleepy state and when i am trying to go downstairs, i thought that i slipped through the stairs, but in flash, i had arrived downstairs, left me unscarred as if i was never slipped. it felt like i was flying down through, my body felt so light, but afterall the memory is so foggy". i have ever heard things about guardian angel that could save you when you are facing danger. maybe it is true, that that time i was saved by it, because due to my falling position, i must be really scary to imagine. but just but i really want to make sure of it, by time machine of course hahaha... because i love mystery.. and solving it is just too heaven haha. The most stupid condition that i come up with is maybe that the me of the future that was going to make sure of that situation managed to go back to that time. and the situation is just like i said, but that time i feel that i was trully in danger and unconciously rushed in and save my past me, and because children memory is still so fragile plus the memory from after sleep, maybe it was altered by itself. so that makes me into my own guardian angel right? silly? hahaha thats so me.. i am too silly to be true wkwkwkwk.. But if my theory is right, why i dont feel that kind of  oddity anymore? or just i dont remember it? or the future-me altered my memories completely so that i dont remember any of our meeting, or just in the future the usage of time machime has been banned, ithas so much possibilities. i will end up insane thinking about it all. hahaa... but there’s a time mystery is better to be left unsolved. woaahh i have managed to write this much.. hehehe.. and it is 6.20A.M now.. yep maybe i can sleep now hahaaa.. noooo... i still have class at 2.. fightingg... one more week to the end of semester.. go go go...

( )

yeahh my friend has tired to hear all of my whinning. tired looking at my galau side. stress everyday like some crazy biatch. indeed.. i myself also tired of all this things. i realised that this major is just not for me.but whats the point of realising it rightnow. all i was now is just focusing of finishibg my work although i dont know how to do it. it is just too hard.. this fact is just too funny and ridiculous to be truth. just why do i meet all the criteria that i hate in this major... everything that i hate indeed is here.. the very place iam standing right now. arrrggghhh... i really want to change my major but where too... nope just thinking of how am ibl supposed to survive the remaining semester is hard enough. i will be dead meat by then. t.t just whyy it is this hardd ohmygodd...i really have so much things to write but i have spill everything to my friends and i think they are going to puke now.. hearing the same whinning from me over and over again.. hiaaattt it is just kind of hard to turn your imagination into a real things.. ii is hard to produce that kind of thing. i have find many difficulties on doing that using paper. and now i need to use wood OH NO.. i cant find a way to cut it into accurate size. no, i cant even cut it into a shape near the one i want. furthermore i need to connect the thin wood one by one to shape it until 2 meter tall.. arrrggghjj... how am i suppose to connect it... nailing isnt choice since the wood is too thinn aaarrrggghhh this is why... iam getting stress over and over again. i just dont have any clue about it. i dont even know what to do. T.T and i dont have anyone to ask about this kind of crapp!!! i just can ask the shopkeeper about how and how. t.t hikss.. you guys will never know how this feel like hah... i will just look like a simple matter thing to other. bla bal bla.. but to tell you this is much more harder than any exam. while in exam you can still make an effort to do it. while in doing model. i just can sit in front of it. dunno what to do. aaarrrrrr
and to tell you today is the very first time of me doing a model in the studio and it was soo hell. i spent my entire time there doing fail thing. i dont produce anything. all i know is just three kind of my saw cant be use to saw the wood aarrggghh really want to let go all of this thing but howww.... arrrgghhh i have go through all of this so farr. it surprised me though. just thinking back How did i endure all of this things aaaaaahhhh.... just trun me into doll with sugar ability so that everybody in the world will forget me.. zzzz... dont wanna live anymore hiksssssssss...!!!